Shakespeare was wrong. Farting, not death, is the great equalizer. I fart. And like it or no, whether you are President Obama, Brad Pitt, Oprah, Tom Brady, J.K Rowling, Lady Gaga, Darth Vader, Osama Bin Laden, Sarah Palin, Captain Kirk, Mr. Rogers, Big Bird, or Mother effing Theresa, you fart too. Farting is a natural, biological process. Like breathing.
Unfortunately, when it comes to farting in public, there is an air of surliness that lingers in the obdurate hearts of the masses. We turn our noses to it. It is a social more that few are ever brave enough to break, and that plain stinks! We suffer enough stress day to day, why add needlessly to our burdens? And, as it turns out, farting freely has been the key to solving a majority of the modern citizen’s problems.
Experts have shown that holding a fart in causes a physical discomfort which triggers a complex chain reaction within the body that ultimately leads to a violent psychological disturbance of our otherwise mentally/psychically balanced selves. If we allowed ourselves to jake-brake freely, war, poverty, discrimination, and hatred would all cease to exist. Marriages would last longer. Literacy would increase. The economy would rebound. And as it turns out, unabashed farting is actually good for you too. In a highly scientific study just conducted by my brain, 99% of those who fart freely live healthier, longer lives.
Have we become that enslaved to certain social mores? I say no more to abruptly excusing yourself from your date to rush off to the public bathroom! It is only when we find the courage to fart in front of our partners that love becomes real. Farting makes the world a less frightening place (just think of OBL farting in some remote cave in Pakistan). Embrace the rapture, the pure sweet relief that comes with unencumbered release. Loosen up that sphincter and let ‘em rip. Dare to be the pioneer who makes a board meeting a little more interesting, who passes gas while sitting in class, who crop dusts while teaching class, who rocks the casbah while sitting on a flight from Pittsburgh to Paris, who unleashes the thunder from down under while acting on stage, who airbrushes their boxers while defending their dissertation. Rid your trunk of the ephemeral flatulent junk. Let ‘em fly. Let ‘em rip. Become a public farting advocate - you’ll gain my vote and my respect. I’ll be doing a lot more farting in the future. And whether you admit it or no, you will be too. Tear down the walls that have been holding relief hostage. The world needs more farters in it. Your sphincter will thank you. The world will thank you, and I with it.
Bottoms Up!
Unfortunately, when it comes to farting in public, there is an air of surliness that lingers in the obdurate hearts of the masses. We turn our noses to it. It is a social more that few are ever brave enough to break, and that plain stinks! We suffer enough stress day to day, why add needlessly to our burdens? And, as it turns out, farting freely has been the key to solving a majority of the modern citizen’s problems.
Experts have shown that holding a fart in causes a physical discomfort which triggers a complex chain reaction within the body that ultimately leads to a violent psychological disturbance of our otherwise mentally/psychically balanced selves. If we allowed ourselves to jake-brake freely, war, poverty, discrimination, and hatred would all cease to exist. Marriages would last longer. Literacy would increase. The economy would rebound. And as it turns out, unabashed farting is actually good for you too. In a highly scientific study just conducted by my brain, 99% of those who fart freely live healthier, longer lives.
Have we become that enslaved to certain social mores? I say no more to abruptly excusing yourself from your date to rush off to the public bathroom! It is only when we find the courage to fart in front of our partners that love becomes real. Farting makes the world a less frightening place (just think of OBL farting in some remote cave in Pakistan). Embrace the rapture, the pure sweet relief that comes with unencumbered release. Loosen up that sphincter and let ‘em rip. Dare to be the pioneer who makes a board meeting a little more interesting, who passes gas while sitting in class, who crop dusts while teaching class, who rocks the casbah while sitting on a flight from Pittsburgh to Paris, who unleashes the thunder from down under while acting on stage, who airbrushes their boxers while defending their dissertation. Rid your trunk of the ephemeral flatulent junk. Let ‘em fly. Let ‘em rip. Become a public farting advocate - you’ll gain my vote and my respect. I’ll be doing a lot more farting in the future. And whether you admit it or no, you will be too. Tear down the walls that have been holding relief hostage. The world needs more farters in it. Your sphincter will thank you. The world will thank you, and I with it.
Bottoms Up!
[Full disclosure: This was a post I wrote for a different blog assignment for a different class of Julie's. My classmates were not very good at leaving useful feeback, so I thought I would recycle the post]
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